“Ooh!”, says I, “ah think ah’ve lost a few pounds.”
“Have you looked down the back of the sofa?” says the ever helpful Mrs.P.
“Ehmm, not those kind of pounds, dear. Not the spendy ones, the weighing ones”
I should explain. Over the past few week us bears (Mrs.P an’ me) have been … on diets!! Can you believe it?
Cousin Yogi thinks we’re mad, and that the answer to most things is ‘a pic-a-nic’
Pooh loves his HUNNY
Paddington loves Marmalade Sandwiches
& I crave C H E E S E !!…mmmmm
This self-denial stuff is awfy hard, but we need to skinnify ourselves a wee bit.
Being a sensible/practical kind of bear… (OK, you can stop laughing, yes, you at the back..) I’ve adopted a sensible dieting method. Eat less / exercise more.
Simple, but not easy – as my diet consists mainly of cheese, pancakes & cheesy pancakes.
As I have a cheese-centric diet, it’s been hard to sacrifice cheddarlicious dishes
The road to obesity is paved with food inventions
Mrs.P, in trying to drop a stress-size or three, has taken a more socially involved approach. Here, the peer-pressure approval of a bunch of fatties is the key.
“Oh, sorry dear, did I get that wrong? It’s all about supporting each other. OK, if you say so.”
On her ‘diet’, they don’t count calories.., they count ‘sins’ – spelt S-Y-N-S. Apparently this allows you to eat pretty much anything and, as long as you record it you can – (a)tone later and (b)forgiven by confessing your foody misdemeanours.
Guilt relating to mass* makes it sound sort of Catholicky.
* (to be pedantically accurate, it’s mass (kg) rather than weight (Newtons) that we’re measuring
When I’ve gone to collect her, from behind closed doors it sounds like a Baptist revival meeting.. or a cult – (the Scinnitologists maybe). I hear a woman’s muffled voice, ‘mutter, mutter, mutter..’, then some cheering and clapping. ‘Halleluiah…, saints be praised, you’ve lost a pound Mrs.Smith. Well done.’
Actually it costs her 5 pounds (£5) every week to be fat-shamed into losing a pound (1lb), but hey-ho it does seem to be working… s l o w l y. Then you can buy approved cult recipes/dietary/nutritional info.. and cult energy bars.
Following dietary regimes with religious zeal
The (fat) bottom-line to life is that either god will strike you down dead,
or – a coronary heart-attack will strike you down dead (cos of all the carry out food, an’ clogged arteries)
or – a fast movin’ automobile you were too slow to get out of the way of will str….you get my drift.
Talkin’ of pooh, and weight – have you ever tried to measure them? Not directly, cos that’d just be weird. No, the way to do it is to stand on the scales before and after doing the business.. if you know what I mean. Subtract one from the other to get the answer. Weird is when the ‘after’ number is higher than the before….hmm.
While we’re talking about numbers increasing..
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their birthday wishes. I tried to save you a bit of my birthday cake but…. Well, you know how it is, …me an’ cheese.
It’s my party, and I’ll fry if I want to… 
The real issue is that I’m under-tall for my weight.. so I just need to stretch myself. …and that’s why I put the Easter Eggs on a high shelf.
In case you were wondering, I’m down 8.7% on my starting figure – but ah’m no’ tellin’ you what that was. So far so good
When I reach my target – I might celebrate with mac’n’cheese. Yum! Bring it on
Interesting Facts:
Scotland sits near the top of the leader-board when it comes to obesity Yay!
With a 29% obesity rate (of the adult population) Scotland currently ranks in 27th place with Australia, and slightly ahead of the UK (33rd place / 27.8%)
Official figures show that in 2017 over 1 billion servings of cake & pastries was bought in Scotland & 106,000 tonnes of biscuits and sweets. That looks a lot.
But, for a population of 5.4m, that works out at 194 servings & 19.6kg for each of us every year.
1 cake every 2 days, & 54g of sweets…. It doesn’t look too bad, almost reasonable.
Remind me again, what’s the problem?
… Oh aye, … we’re a’ fat.
Paul R Bear 
