Max Headroom liked golf… oh, perhaps I should explain.., Perth, Perthshire.. seems to be gripped by the bi-annual madness that is The Ryder Cup . It’s 7am on Saturday, and the queues are forming already, with people milling about in the High Street. Oh sorry, that’s outside Next and Boots – must be a sale on. There’s golfy stuff everywhere.
Someone has helpfully marked arrows to ‘attractions’ on the pavement (‘sidewalk’ for our colonial cousins), but I think even Poirot would struggle to follow these clues. They kinda point to the middle of town, then fizzle out. If I subscribed to conspiracy theories, I’d say it was a ploy, that businesses are bending backwards to flog gen-yoo-ine heilan’ tat to the Elmers’ and Randys (& their wives) visiting from Boring, Oregon. Believe it or not, the town of Boring is ‘twinned’ with Perthshire’s own Dull (near Aberfeldy). Actually,now I think about it, if you flog backwards, you get GOLF. Woah !, Spooky!! An’ golf is boring too! Spooky#2!
It would be remiss of me, not to mention, at this time, that (arguably) one of the best golfists ever was a bear. No, not me, I’m taking about ‘The Golden Bear himself.. Jack Nicklaus. He even got his face on Scottish banknotes, something that El Salmondo will surely, one day, emulate. 
Famously described as looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp, Perthshire also has, amongst its citizens, Colin Montgomerie (aka Monty) (fae Dunning) who has a 20W-9L-7D record from his 8 Ryder Cup outings – apparently that’s quite good. To be honest, chewing wasps is very satisfying. Although not very tasty, they have less calories than a wine-gum, and chewing them does stop them being annoying, which is a good thing. To an earlier generation, Monty (as in General Bernard) in WW2 commanded the 8th Army, the Desert Rats – to whom this country owes a debt of thanks. The same can’t be said of the 2 million rats who deserted Scotland in the independence Referendum. To (mis)quote another General (Hoffman), the NO-ers were Donkeys led by Liars.
It wis Robeart the Bruce wi’ the spider, who said.. Try, Try & Try again (jammy git, in all the (3) years ah played rugby, ah nivver scored a try). Looking at the recent interest of, and engagement with, the democratic political process by the Scottish electorate following the Referendum and in the aftermath (an early Stones album). 
It is incredibly encouraging that, in spite of the bitter disappointment of the result, the apparent evidence of ballot tampering, and the false promises made by the Unionist politicians which have been exposed within days of the event, there is a determination to maintain this momentum for change- having tried, they want to try again. So many people, with a ‘we-shall-overcome’ optimism joining the positive, forward looking, political parties. In the last week, over 40,000 people have joined SNP with the Greens & SSP (the other YESsers) also recording increasing memberships. Funny, when ah wis a cub, they were the Scottish Nose Pickers, now they’re the YES, an’ the NO’s are the ones we widnae pick.
On FaceTwit last week, I asked if us Bears could join the Party, promising (to reassure non-bear types) that me & Mrs.P would only GRRRowl at NO voters…(no biting). So far I’ve not had a response….maybe they’re worried the other parties will be jealous, or they could just be so busy processing all those new recruits.
Like ah wis sayin, the newspapers are full of Ryder Cup and golf-related articles. Even the Playhouse cinema has teed-up ‘Seve’ – sadly no more, Sr. Ballasteros was a Spanish master of this Scottish Game. 
Talkin’ of films and golf… (seamless link, you’ll agree), ah’ve no seen ony Hollywoody golfists in Perth so far. Yon Samuel L. Jackson apparently likes golf. Now, if he’d had a BigBertha driver, or even a sand-wedge to hand, he might’ve survived a bit longer in Deep Blue Sea when a shark decided to ‘improve’ his handicap.
If I wis a shark in films though, I’d be looking for a new agent, demanding a new image, better scripts.
Imagine the scene. A seedy theatrical agents office. Mr GW Shark (actor) sits in a swivel chair at a desk opposite Bernie Bearstein (agent)… a bare 60W lightbulb glows meagrely above them.
BB: ” I’m telling you, this isn’t a bad script George.., all I’m saying is think about it..”
GWS: “It’s not Othello,…or Macb..,I mean ‘The Scottish Play’ is it?”
BB: “You’ve had a good run…I mean, look at all the work you’ve had recently… Sharks in Venice: a film so bad it was jawsome – you swam rings round Stephen ‘macheeezmo’ Baldwin. OK, not that hard, but…, or Deep Blue Sea. Pulp fiction my ass, you ‘owned’ Sammy Jackson !”
GWS: “I just feel I’m not being stretched, as an actor, in some of these productions. I need something I can get my teeth into“
BB: “I’ve gotten you some really tasty roles, big(ish) budgets. Some of them didn’t even go straight to video until the day after release – Swamp Shark, Sand Shark, Sharktopus, Megashark vs Giant Octopus, Sharknado….”
GWS : “Sharknado – (sharks on a plane)… wasn’t that Samuel L..? oops no, that wis snakes (much more believable)
BB: “The audience can’t get enough of you sharkey guys, all silent an’ menacey – you’re naturals. Forget Sharks Tale. Nice happy sharks just aint right. Threats..’you’re gonna need a bigger boat..’, that’s what you guys were destined to do”
GWS: “I don’t know Bernie, seems like some of the best ‘sharkey’ character roles have been played by humans. Look at ‘Jaws’, Richard Kiel – 7’2”, but afraid of heights – I coulda been a contender for that part. For a Bond film, I’d’ve gone on the roof of that cable car,… sad to see he died last month”
BB: “yeah, but Georgie boy, it’s not always like that. Look at Ronald Villiers with his ‘Sharks an’ the Jets’ part fae WestSide Story..just tragic”
GWS: “I dunno, sharks just seem to be get the bad guy roles. Tell me again about this part you want me to audition for…”.
BB: “, it’s not that bad a gig, even Ian (Gandalf) McKellern‘s played here recently,.. have you practised the accent yet.., c’mon, let’s hear it”
GWS: “…I still think my character, a loan shark, will be a bit., em,.obvious, even in a raincoat, standing at bar in-T’Rovers. OK, here goes. A pahnt o’bitter please, Betty loov”
Just while we’re talking of sand-wedges, check out this beauty. As Crocodile Dundee might’ve said, “no
w that’s a sandwich”
Croikey! (sorry, that’s me best Steve Irwin impression) and, as we’re talking of Australia (a forward looking, independent and successful nation), golfing, and sharks – that brings me neatly to Greg Norman..aka The Great White Shark. Legend. He’s even got the http://www.shark.com web address. I liked him when he wis at his peak. A bit like Scotland, he had a reputation for ‘choking’. Never winning a ‘major’ tournament, getting close..but, it never happened until the ’86 Open in Scotland. The parallels are obvious. Scotland can, with similar perseverance, ultimately win it’s own major prize.
Basque-ing Sharks
This is an aspiration shared by more than a few folks around the world. Because I was talkin’ ‘bout Sharks, I’m reminded of the support they give to the Basque separatist movement..aw,come on, you must’ve heard of Basque-ing Sharks ! Then you’ve got Bretons, Kurds and Catalans.
Similar, in many ways, to the Scottish Referendum, Catalonia goes to the polls this week (in spite of the Spanish government saying otherwise). I’d be lying if I said I knew all the historical facts, personalities or issues involved. So all I would say to the citizens of Bearcelona (and Catalunya) in their bid for independence, is;
• aprovechar el momento y ganar decisivamente. buena suerte Cataluña (Spanish)
• aprofita el moment I guanyar decisivament. Bona sort Catalunya (Catalan)
Que? No hablo Español ? – OK then, ‘seize the moment and win decisively. Good Luck Catalonia’
The above translation was brought to you by Babylon, & babelfish – babel, not to be confused with babybel which is…cheese (listening to ‘Babel’ by Mumford & Sons sing, “…where will we stand in the wind that is foul..” – Obviously, this is a reference to standing on the tee at any Scottish golf course)
I’m in my usual Saturday morning coffee spot, at the corner of Scott and High,…ooh, that sounds very U-S-of A-ish, reading the newspaper. It’s an article about an ex-Aberdeen football player, Arild Stavrum…woah, spooky #3!! I met him last weekend, at a book-signing in Stirling, at the ‘Bloody Scotland’ crime writing festival. He’s written a crime novel – Exposed at the Back……an’ he shared the platform with John Gordon Sinclair..you know, Gregory. Any Scottish guys who grew up in the ’70’s wi, plooks, flares and an inability tae speak to (let alone chat-up) girls without getting’ a ‘beamer*’ will look back, misty-eyed at that golden-age of teenage innocence an say..’Bella, Bella’. It’s a Scottish thing. Likewise this wee no’-quite aff the peg number spotted in Janet Eagleton & sons window. That’s right, an Irn Bru dress. It couldnae shout Scotland! any louder, unless it was playin’ bagpipes an eatin’ porridge.
The only other thing to catch my eye in the paper (sorry ladies) was a bit about George Clooney getting married in Venice to Amal Alamuddin. Ah always thought that if someone wis tae play me in a Hollywood blockbuster, George could be a good match. Suave, charming, athletic (no, I didn’t mean arthritic) witty, with just a few distinguishing grey hairs creeping in at the edges. What d’ye think? Anyway, all I’d like tae say is, “Congratulations..an , WATCH OUT FOR THE SHARKS, GEORGE!!
FIN
Epilog
Oh yeah, golf. In case anyone’s remotely interested that doesn’t already know, Europe beat the US of A 16½ to 11½ “Whoop, whoop..get in the hole!!”
“Eagle…?., Naw, ah said “Seagull. Hit him right on the beak! 5 iron on the 7th”
*beamer – Scottish description of an embarrassed red face
Paul R Bear 